In Sergei Kourdakov’s autobiography he’s made many choices throughout his life to get him to were he is today. But only some of the choices were ones he talked about, the important ones.
Army vs. Navy
This was an easier choice out of the rest, he wanted the hardest training, something to really test and challenge him, and from what he heard he would get that from the Navy.
Lenin Prayer vs. the Slave Labor City
This was a huge blow to his morals and his mental and emotional standing. He looked up to the Russian Communist Party, viewed it as his family. It was part of him.
And having someone that used to be part of it, that was stationed in a very important city, and say that it was worthless? That he got barely anything out of it, that everything Kourdakov had been told or learned were all lies?
That what he just got into, something he wanted so bad, was going to be awful and not worth the effort? It hit him hard, you can tell when reading that chapter. Even when he says “I ignore him” you can still feeling the lingering of doubt, of second guessing, of pain.
A struggle between faith, faith in anything, vs a terrible truth about it. These are some of the hardest struggles, because it’s all up to you, there is no one else that can say “No this one is the right one!” Because you know that you won’t fully believe them. You have to decide which one is right for yourself. And that’s what he did.
Joining a Crime Syndicate vs. Staying Clean
This was another hard one for him, having all his friends become criminals, it would have been incredibly easy for him to fall in with them. He already seemed to have a place ready for him, his friends wanted him there with them. Just like the old days!
But that’s one thing, it would have been easy. And he wanted something hard and challenging, but a bigger reason he decided to stay clean was because he saw just how easy it was to get caught, to get stabbed, shot, killed.
He wanted to get somewhere in his career, he wanted to feel accomplished and praised for actually doing something worth being praised over. Not doing something easy for easy money. He wanted something he loved, which were politics. But for politics he had to stay clean, so he did, he left behind his friends and his past, for the thing he loved and wanted most.
Telling the Truth vs. Telling a Lie
This was a battle between morals, between the moral of doing the right thing and the moral of doing whatever he can to get himself farther in his career.
The latter may have won, but it didn’t entirely, every time he speaks of it, there is an undertone of regret and even subtle sadness. Not just from thinking about how someone would throw their life away just to get away from the Naval Academy, but from how the Naval Academy covered it up.
Couldn’t let others know what really happened, and how Kourdakov was one of the very few that knew that that man wasn’t in a drunken stupor, he knew exactly what he was doing, that he jumped of his own volition.
All these things mixed up his views and morals and led him to fail the mission.